With all this bad news around I thought i would enlighten fellow members with a joke whilst waiting for the walls to crumble around us.

An Scotsman, an Englishman, a hot blonde and a fat chick get on
the subway.
They go into a tunnel and the lights go out, and
suddenly they all hear a loud slap.

When the lights come on, the Englishman
has a big red handprint on his face.
The blonde thinks: " Oh, the Englishman must
have made a move for me, but fondled that fat woman by
mistake and she slapped him" .

The fat woman thinks: " Hmm, that
Englishman tried to put the moves on that blonde and got slapped. Good
for her."

The Englishman thinks: " Hey, that Scotsman must have went for the> blonde, and sheslapped me by mistake! "

The Scotsman thinks: " Boy,I hope we go through another tunnel, so I can>wallop that English "TWATT" again " .

It's GREAT to be Scottish.

You are to comedy as Cyril Smith was to hangliding.

Stick to the day job

I loved it...and i'm English!!

Do you mean to tell my your whole family was shocked and surprised when your ninety-five-year-old uncle died?"


"That's right."


"But if he was ninety-five-years-old, why was everybody surprised."


"Because his parachute didn't open."

Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.

JOKE
------------------
A grasshopper hops into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, "HEY! We have a drink named after you!"


The grasshopper looks at the bartender and says, "You have a drink named Harry?"

--------------------------
Sorry but i laughed!

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,
"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs. "Odd," her companion replies,
"but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding
emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards
the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he
wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over
to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and
whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

A bear goes into a bar and the barman says "what can I get you?".

The bear says "I'll have a gin and...........................................tonic"

Barman says "why the big pause?"

Bear replies "I'm a bear, stupid!"

there are three kinds of btl landlords in the world

those that can count the days to bankruptcy and those that cant

A Scottish bird goes into a bar in the Australian Outback on a Monday night and orders up ten Voddies
and Ten Pints of Lager. She downs the lot, staggers outside, goes down the lane to have a slash and falls
down unconscious. Eight Aborigines find her and shaft her prone body til the wallabies come home!

The next night, the same thing&Ten Voddies, ten pints of Four Exx, outside for a widdle, then out for the
count and an aboriginal gang bang.

This goes on all week, much to the amazement of the bar-staff. Come Saturday night, they re waiting for her
to make an appearance. The door opens and in she comes, slowly waddling up to the bar. She orders up ten
whiskeys and ten pints of lager.

Hey, shiela, what about the Voddies? asks the confused barman.

Naw, she replies. ah cannae go them any merr: they were really beginning to make mah fanny ache!

hmmm a scottish bird... sure thats not an essex bird joke there but your changed you origins?

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Pettry amzanig huh?

Anyone know the 'death by umbongo' joke?

There was this very wealthy guy who was on his death bed and wanted to see if he could avoid inheritance tax and take his money with him. He asked his friend Tony Blair, his doctor and his clergyman to each take an envelope he had prepared, each containing £100,000 in cash, and put them in his coffin at the funeral.



The man died and each of the men put the envelopes in the casket just before it was closed.



After the funeral the three were driving from the graveyard and the clergyman suddenly spouted, "I have a confession. I took part of the money from my envelope and am going to use it on an addition to the church. I only put £80,000 in the envelope. I'm sure this good brother would understand"



Next the doctor said, "Well I also have a confession, there is a machine that would have diagnosed this man's illness had I only had it. It cost £50,000 and I know he would have wanted me to be able to save other lives by buying this machine. So I only put £50,000 in my envelope"



Tony Blair in total disgust stated, "I can't believe you two, in my envelope I put a personal check for the full £100,000!"

No I HAVE NOT CHANGED ANY OF THE JOKES
But I did think your one was swaped and should have said SCOTTISH twit
which obviasly would have been much funnyer

A man was coming home from work one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked him what was wrong. The cop said, "We are in a crisis situation. Gordon Brown is in the road very upset. He does not have the £10 billion needed to fill his black hole, and everyone hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in petrol and start a fire." The man asked the police officer exactly what he was doing there." The bobby said, " I feel sorry for the Chancellor so I am going car to car asking for donations." The man asked, "How much do you have so far?" The bobby replied, "Well as of right now only 99 litres, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!"

Bloke walks into a bar with a Giraffe,

Asks the Barman for two double whiskies, the barman looks at the Giraffe, and hands over the drinks.

The Man and Giraffe both down the drinks, and the man asks for another two. The Barman obliges, and hands over two more double whiskies.

Again the two of them down the drinks, only this time the Giraffe starts to wobble, then collapses to the floor. The man looks down at the Giraffe, shrugs his shoulders, and starts to walk for the door.

Seeing that the man is just about to leave, the Barman shouts "Oi, you can't just leave that lyin' there!"

The man replies "It's not a Lion it's a Giraffe!"

Last time I was in Ireland I noticed quite a few 'English' jokes doing the rounds, most of which were really abysmal - like -

Why do Seagulls fly upside down over England? - it's not even worth s******* on

Finally, the Monkey has come back to HPC to reveal the most electrifying joke in house price forums today:


An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are having a discussion about the difficulties of bringing up their teenage daughters.

"I don't know what to do about my 16 year old daughter" said the Englishman. "I walked into her bedroom the other day and there, on her bedside cabinet, was a packet of cigarettes. I told her - I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A SMOKER AND I DON'T WANT IT GOING ON IN MY HOUSE!"

"Im having trouble with my 16 year old daughter too" said the Scot. "I walked into her bedroom the other day and there, on her bedside cabinet, was a bottle of vodka. I told her - I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE DRINKING AND I DON'T WANT IT GOING ON IN MY HOUSE!"

"Ah, that's nothing" said the Irishman. ""I walked into my 16 year old daughter's bedroom the other day and there, on her bedside cabinet, was packet of condoms. I told her - I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A C*CK!"


Now are you laughing at what the Monkey is cooking?

The Train Ride

The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. sailor
walked the entire length looking for a seat, but
the only seat left was taken by a
well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's
poodle. The war-weary sailor asked, "Ma'am, may
I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one
in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little
Fifi is using that seat."

The sailor walked the entire train again, but
the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She! snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude,
you are also arrogant!"

This time the sailor didn't say a word, he just
picked up the little dog, tossed it out the
train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my
honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,

"Sir, you Americans often seem to have a
penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the
fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on
the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've
thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

You're all racists

"The Amish Elevator"

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together
again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having
seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this
in my life. I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued
to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to
light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old
blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son...

"Go get your mother."

gordon brown

Haven't got time for the joke.
Here's the punch line ---

"Actually, the rest of us use the camel to get to the town brothel."

A Welshman, a dog and a sheep are shipwrecked on a desert island.

One evening, as the three of them are watching the sun set in a beautiful turquoise sky, the Welshman's fancy turns to thoughts of love, and he starts to fondle and caress the sheep's hind quarters and whispers sweet nothings in it's ear. However, the dog begins to growl and bares it's teeth, deterring the Welshman from his amorous advances.

A couple of months go by, and one day the most beautiful woman the Welshman has ever seen washes up on the deserted shore. She is very sick, but with his devoted care and attention she is brought back to health, and soon all four of them are sitting on the beach, admiring another beautiful sunset. The Welshman's thoughts turn once more to love, and he turns to the beautiful young woman and says,


"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Q. Whats the difference between an egg and a w**k?





















































A. You can beat an egg but you cant beat a w..................



I'll get me coat!

I'm not sure about the joke of the day, but I wanted to mention the book that changed my life, which is "Overcoming Tourette's Syndrome", which I can tell you is a f*cking corker.

HOw do you confuse an Archaeologist?



























Give him a used Tampon & ask hime which Period it came from

A nervous father to be receives his long anticipated mobile phone call from his distressed and heavily pregnant wife:
WIFE "My water's have broken Norman, the baby's coming, come quickly I'm scared".
HUSBAND: My love don't panic I'm coming where are you ringing from?


















WIFE: From my C**T TO THE TIPS OF MY TOES...NOW HURRY UP

Two cannibals are having a bowl of soup.

One says to the other, "Your wife makes great soup".

The other cannibal replies, "Yes, but I'll miss her"!

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

How many dyslexics does it take to change a gltih lulb?

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are FRIARS!"

Q. What do you call a judge with no fingers?
A. Justice Thumbs!

Muslims should be more active in the fight against terrorism. Why doesn't anybody use us? For example, to prevent suicide bombings on London buses, just have a muslim with a fake explosive belt on every bus, so when a real bomber gets on, he'll go - "Oh, this ones already taken".

Omar Marzouk

How do you know if there's a BTL landlord at a party of 500 people?
















He'll tell you.

Not sure how to post a picture into a post, but if you can get at the attached, it might raise a smile!

Essex Girl Joke;

Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and a fridge ??




































A: A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out !

OK, I'll get my coat too....

Two muslim women go into a sports shop.

One tries on a rucksack.

One says to the other.

Does my bomb look big in this ?

http://www.abrasha.com/misc/german_engineering.htm

They're back - Darwin Awards 2005 -- Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners for 2005.

1) When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and TRIED THE TRIGGER AGAIN!! Yes, this time it worked.....

And now, the honorable mentions....

2) The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and ALSO LOST A FINGER!! The chef's claim was approved.

3) A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, HE SHOT HER!! (Will a local jury of fellow snow-shovelers convict him?)

(As good as the winner was, this next one's my favorite!!)

4) After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then DELIVERED THE PASSENGERS TO THE MENTAL HOSPITAL, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies!! The deception wasn't discovered for THREE DAYS!!

5) An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see HOW CLOSE HE COULD GET HIS HEAD TO A MOVING TRAIN BEFORE HE WAS HIT!! (X-rays of his head obviously showed nothing!)

6) A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?) I love the next one!)

7) Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and HIT THE WOULD-BE THIEF ON THE HEAD, KNOCKING HIM UNCONSCIOUS!! (The liquor store window was made of Plexiglass!) The whole event was caught on videotape.

8) As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "YES, OFFICER, THAT'S HER. THAT'S THE LADY I STOLE THE PURSE FROM!!"

9) The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

AND FINALLY, A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

10) When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to the motor home. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and put his siphon hose into the motorhome's SEWAGE TANK BY MISTAKE!! The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges. After he finally caught his breath he said that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

-------------------------------------

Chilli Contest

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this really is.

They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, Illinois.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stu! ff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope it's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - JERRYS AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - HANKS FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI..
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back! , now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-f aced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 SANDIES LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

CHILI # 6 - JOHNS VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

------------------------------

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 -PATS SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A ! mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt's covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - RANDYS TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chi! li. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

Younger Sister

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.


There was only one little thing bothering me .. it was her beautiful younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.


One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.


She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.


When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.


I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.


Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.... we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."


And the moral of this story is:





Always keep your condoms in your car!

SFASS, I laughed so hard reading that 'Chilli Contest' joke I almost had a hernia!

Tom and Dick are building a house when Tom sees Dick going through a bag of nails.He looks at each nail in turn and some he puts into a box and others he throws into a bin.

"Why are you throwing those nails away?" asks Tom,"Because they're pointed at the wrong end ," says Dick.

"You idiot,"replies Tom, "Those nails are for the other side of the house!".

Yes, its a beaut that one. Here's another.

A Dad is explaining to his young son Johnny about the birds and the bees.
After he has finished explaining, Johnny innocently asks some questions.

Johnny - 'dad, what does mums private place look like before you make love ?
Dad -' son, its like a beautiful petalled flower blooming & blossoming in the spring time, it beckons like a lily awaiting to be pollonated by the bees'
Johnny - 'Oh I see' says Johnny 'and what is it like after making love ?'
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Dad - 'ever seen a bulldog chewing mayonnaise ?'

I was stood in a queue at the Super Market when I notice this
rather dishy blonde behind me has just raised her hand and smiled hello to me.

Rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to me, and
although familiar I can't place where I might know her from, so I said "Sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I
thought you might be the father of one of my children"?!!

My mind shoots back to the one and only time I have been unfaithful.

"Christ! Are you that stripper on my stag night that I sha**ed on the
snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with
some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my a$$"?



"No" she replies,
"I'm your sons' English Teacher"!

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend today.
I told the wife to pack a bag and leave.
I said to my best friend "Bad dog, go to your kennel"

More Bloodninja - v funny
http://www.distortedprism.com/text/bloodcyber.html